June | 2015 | thecheekypoodle

BACH WEEK 6: K DIDN’T CHECK IT BEFORE SHE WRECKED IT

Posted on June 25, 2015 by thecheekypoodle

Never before has an image so accurately captured my stages of my emotions whilst watching the Bach. Sometimes it puts me to sleep, sometimes it makes me smirk even when I’m trying to play it cool, and most of the time I am disgusted by what I see but still watch nonetheless. This girl in the middle of the photo is visibly sickened, so then why is she filming?! It is very telling about society’s obsession with what is popular, even if it is arguably terrible. If there is a group of people gathered around a street performer, my natural inclination is to peek out of the corner of my eye to see if it is worthy enough to stop and watch. (Let’s be honest, a street performer without a crowd is essentially a homeless person). If there is a film that makes every little girl, or in-the-closet little boy, in America want to belt out a song via YouTube, I am going to rent that movie. I won’t even view, listen, or buy anything without some sort of trusted endorsement. We love what is familiar and as a culture probably have a meta sense of FOMO, even the morbid curiosity kind. I get so annoyed when traffic is a result of every car rubbernecking to look at an accident, yet I find myself pretending not to look but do the same as every other passerby. I’m disgusting. Then you get the hipster, contrarian, naysayer types who make a point not to involve themselves with anything popular, just because they are trying to be so unique. Don’t all hipsters end up wearing the same plaid shirt, though? I just feel bad for them for missing out on some really entertaining shiz. Oh you didn’t see the series finale of Breaking Bad? Sucks to be you! Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Bach is riveting TV, this week definitely brought the tawdry. Kaitlyn did not check herself before she wrecked herself, and I LOVED IT! Isn’t that the reason we watch? Or do people really enjoy the filler episodes where whiny boys complain that others are not there for the “right reasons”?

The episode commences with Princet-Ian’s (P.I.) diatribe. I said pretty much everything I wanted to say about this last week. He would be the type to break-up with someone in a hurtful way before someone else beats him to it. Thankfully K handles herself well and does not launch any fireballs or banana peels in his direction. I cannot even imagine what I would do if a guy told me he thought I was shallow. I legitimately have cried MULTIPLE times at the dentist when a hygienist told me I needed to floss better. I literally sobbedThe only difference between this photo and real life is that I was like 24 at the time. In my head, I’d respond to P.I. like thisBut in real life I’d be like Followed by a healthy dose of I am glad K informed P.I. that he’s not funny, though, as I maintain that laughter is vital to a lasting relationship. The hubbers and I saw “Superbad” early on and totally bonded (I just read that as boned – did anyone else?) over dick cartoon illustrations and dry-humping related period stains. What’s wrong with that or a good ol’ shart joke? I talk about bodily functions at least 10 times a day to pretty much anyone who will listen. Princet-Ian is obviously a douchecockle – credit to my bestie on that one- and delusional for thinking he has what it takes to be the next Bachelor. Why didn’t he just play the long game? Do you think Cato, at this juncture in the season, really thinks he has a chance with K? He doesn’t, so now he’s trying to win over the heart of every desperate woman in Middle America watching this show with a vat of ice cream under her right arm and five cats under her left, because then he has a fighting chance of being the next “chosen one.” If P.I. were really utilizing that Princeton intellect he would have feigned the nice, sensitive, loving guy. Make it to at least the final four before starting to campaign. However, P.I. could not pull off a Hillary circa 2008 and suppress that ego. Looks like he was accepted to Princeton based on athletics, not solely academics…ouch. Even if that 1/1,000,000 he were chosen for the next Bach (“So you’re saying there’s a chance!”), he would probably end up kissing the same amount of people if not more than K. Then, he’d pull a Juan Pablo where he just would blatantly deny anyone he wasn’t attracted to and blame it on trying to be a good role model. I’m sure all this will be included in theMumbler’s handbook.

Speaking of theMumbler,Dude had his game face on this week. Once he heard K was upset, he Joe MacMillaned her so hard her panties flew out the door. Remember, he knows how her software works – console now, bang later.

But first, K eliminates Justin and Kermy in addition to P.I. peacing-out, and the gaggle heads to Dublin! Then, mid-episode, I am hit with a headline of some serious breaking news What could this possibly mean? Then, I get it when K takes theMumbler on her first one-on-one:Whatever the male equivalent of a camel toe is, theMumbler has it in spades. This HAS to be the unflattering problem ABC news forewarned. Talk about fantastic foreshadowing! The crotch of his pants just looks like one giant pimple that is ready to pop. And pop it theMumbler did. In general, the two encompass a lusty mclusterson type of connection, no different than Andi the Dorf Dorfman and theMumbler. The guy is obviously a passionate person and riverdances through life with an overabundance of confidence as evidenced by his exterior mediocrity. Girls eat that up! Maybe this season of Bach is theMumbler’s swan song as he just wants to prove to the world that he is in fact good in bed and not super creepy like we all have surmised. When the two hit the town on their date, I just could not tolerate all of that PDA. That poor man in the pub just trying to get a pint has to stand next to them while they suck face. Bleh! Sometimes I barely acknowledge my hubber’s existence in public just for fear of grossing anyone else out. I mean how sacrilegious – K and theMumbler panting and heavy petting in the Christ Church Cathedral? This segment should have been prefaced with a TVMA! Chris Harrison’s baby hands watch this show! When K invites him back to her hotel, theMumbler is like, no different than me with an ololiberry pie: it’s just going to happen. I’m going to eat a slice and then regret it later. I understand getting caught up in the moment, but you aren’t in a dark bar with a dude where all your friends have gone and left you free of accountability and no one will see you sneak out of there to go hook up. K, YOU ARE FOLLOWED BY A CAMERA CREW WHO MICS YOU BEFORE YOU GO IN A ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR TO SHABANGALANG KNOWING THERE IS A CAMERA ON THE OTHER SIDE OF SAID DOOR READY TO DO MORE FILMING. I feel like it would be impossible to get carried away given those circumstances. Her excuses are like how normal people try to get out of a speeding ticket when they know they were speeding. “I was just trying to keep up with the flow of traffic, sir” my ass! How uncomfortable for the camera man who has to stay in her living room to assure that all their awkward groans are getting picked up from behind the wall. Hopefully it’s not the same guy as that poor man from the pub.

When theMumbler says, “I want to know every part of you,” I am reminded of why Andi forced him to pull out. But K seems like she’s into a lil talkie dirrty. I’m all for K expressing herself physically and am tired of all the slut shaming, but I will say I am not a fan of her sleeping with one of the guys so early on when she obviously has feelings for others. A long time ago I dated two guys simultaneously. But once I became intimate, it was Game Over, Bitch, Gatorade, Wet Towel for the other. The only reason theMumbler probably won’t lose interest post coitus is because he is still competing against all these other guys, so there is still an element of chase. In the real world, he’d be like thanks and buh-byeeee now! And, while I’m on that note, wasn’t he the one that called Andi out for casually sleeping with him because he’s not the type to sleep around? If sex is just casual and neither party is anticipating more, than fine – hop on that train to pound town. But if you want more like possibly to GET MARRIED, then freaking check it before you wreck it! I wish I could just scream from the rooftop of every sorority in America, “IF YOU REALLY LIKE A GUY, DON’T SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH, FIFTH…TWENTIETH DATE!!!” There will just never be that level of respect you want and deserve. There just won’t! Big and Carrie don’t count.

The morning after their corporal embrace, theMumbler saunters in to meet the other guys with his rose like Did anyone ever watch “Lie To Me”? That’s how I honed my human lie detector craft. One of the sure ways to tell when someone is lying is because they include too many minute details, and this is exactly what theMumbler does when recounting his night with the other guys. Why even mention you hung out on the couch of her hotel room but that nothing happened? If nothing happened, you wouldn’t feel the need to overcompensate. You’d think he’d have no problem being duplicitous given he is a salesman. Only a matter of time before this jig is up.

K then has to collect herself to go play dead at her wake on her group date with Ethan Squawk, Goosling, Cato, Tanner, Adam Brody, and Cupcake. I feel so bad for the guys. They are cooped up in that hotel all day, finally get to bust out, think they will get to do some awesome exploration of Ireland, and instead get to go have sloppy seconds indoors and pretend Kaitlyn is…DEAD? Cupcake’s face was likeAnd poor Cato! He lost his mom when he was little and now he has to see the girl he’s crushing on in a casket? I love that Chris Harrison is always like “trust the process” like he has his PHD in marriage and family therapy and knows that a great way to form a bond (not boned haha) between two people is to pretend one is dead. The guys all had pretty memorable toasts to K, but this whole thing was just a liiiitle too macabre, even if it was supposed to be boozy and fun.

At the Guinness facility post wake, Goosling starts to get his feathers ruffled when K rewards Ethan Squawk with the group date rose. (I just realized how funny all my avian nicknames for the guys are given K loathes birds). Goosling is like because he just wants K to love him and second guesses their connection. In the meantime, K and Squawk get to watch The Mother Effing Cranberries perform “Linger,” and Dolores still sounds like an angel! I will always associate The Cranberries with cruising around town in our navy blue Mazda Minivan. I was seven and still thought minivans were cool. Then you hit eleven and are like get me the eff out of this sliding door before my friends see! Isn’t “Linger” about a cheating lover, though? I love how K and Squawk act like it’s the most romantic song of all time. Production was probably like, “Ya ya, play ‘Linger’ since K just boned theMumbler last night.” Peeerfect symbolic segue.

Episode gets cut short AGAIN with Goosling confronting K about her true feelings for him. Might he fly the coop? Next week is going to be a doozy because K opened up dat poozy. Poodle out.

Bach Week 5? Do We Care?

Posted on June 19, 2015 by thecheekypoodle

When I was going through a bad breakup, that’s all I wanted to talk about all the time. At first, my friends were into it and were like “Yes, yes, yes, tell me EVERYTHING!” Well then discussions mushroomed to that awkward point where I’m pretty sure they would rather be sober at the 9-0 than over-analyze one more ambiguous Facebook status from the Ex. And that’s saying a lot. THANK GOD Instagram did not exist or my eyeballs would have probably spontaneously combusted from social media stalking. One ~~friend~~ frenemy even harshly remarked, “He’s obviously not into you anymore so you should probably just get over it.” Yikes. Now I understand that level of frustration through the “The Nick Situation” lens. How did theMumbler carpet munch his way back into this much screen time? How, as Americans, did we let this happen? Oh wait…Kaitlyn’s Canadian. Awwwkwaaard. I think the season of Bach should be live TV and enforce a call-in to vote system like “The Voice.” If execs signed off on two women to vie for the coveted Bach spot, I have to believe a voting system is not outside of the realm of possibilities. Who better to pick Kaitlyn’s husband than #Merica?

If I drank every time I heard “The Nick Situation,” I would have destroyed a Costco size bag of Skinny Pop which is pretty much the Nebuchadnezzar of popcorn, and passed out, makeup on, teeth un-flossed (my dentist Dr. Doshi would be very displeased), before the red light of my DVR flickered off.

I apologize for my late entry this week, but my keyboard was like a collection of hot coals, and my fingers just could not withstand the heat of typing N-I-C-K. Now I think I’m ready to forge ahead.

The episode commences with theMumbler walking into the guys’ suite. I got a very “Lord of the Flies” vibe from this, and was like, “Oh, good, maybe they’ll kill Piggy!” Sorry if anyone is doing some causal 9th grade honors literature catchup and I just spoiled that. But he really does kind of look piggish, no? Curly tendrils…very pig tail-esque. In the rose ceremony, which looks like it took place in sub-zero temperatures, Kaitlyn eliminates Ryan B., Jonathan, Corey and adds one Nick. Talk about adding insult to injury. Then we learn they are headed to drum-roll please…San Antonio? I just assumed the natural progression from LA to NYC would lead to Europe, not back to the Wild West, but what do I know? Leave it to the Canadian for always dreaming of visiting San Antonio. What’s worse, she compares it to Europe. I feel like that’s saying apple juice reminds you of Veuve. Wait, isn’t San Antonio an attraction at Disneyland? No? Ok. But still, not a must see destination when a huge conglomerate is footing the bill. Did we accidentally slip back into Chris Soules’ season? Get me out of here! I don’t do line-dancing, or country, or western, so this entire episode was pretty alienating.

First one-on-one goes to Ben H where they learn to two-step and then put the skills to the test in a full-fledged, red neck line-dance competition. I was waiting for Kevin Bacon to sashay out and rip off Kaitlyn’s conservative top to reveal a crop top underneath. Why didn’t that happen? The next best bit was the judge Betty Jo. She reminded me of the old lady from the “Wedding Singer”Ben H. kind of reminds me of Adam Brody. He seems nice and cute and pretty normal and opens up about a breakup resulting from making the normal mistake most normal guys do where they think once they snag a girl they can stop trying. That would have been a pink (not aggressively red) flag for me, but Kaitlyn rewards him with the first rose nonetheless.

The first group date includes Joe Dirt, Justin, Cato, Tanner, Ethan Squawk, Josh the Welder, Ian, Cupcake, and theMumbler performing original Mariachi songs for Kaitlyn in public. I feel like this segment is a flashback to 1998 because the guys are given PORTABLE CD PLAYERS to listen and prepare their material. Side note, is it just me or is ABC editing Kaitlyn into a basic b? We liked her because she was uncensored and hilarious on Chris’ season. Now even her wardrobe has staled. What happened to her flair for exposing her torso, flirting with Jimmy Kimmel, and emptying whiskey glasses? I had to search a solid 5 minutes to find a crop top pic of Kaitlyn on Google images. Looks like ABC is trying to mute her sartorial past and force her into modest garb. I mean I get it, we are in Texas, but why put her in a denim long sleeved dress? She might as well be a mole womanBut wishes she could sayBack at the ranch, the guys perform Mariachi, and this is where theMumbler excels. This is not his first rodeo, so to speak. He knows to take Kaitlyn to that balcony to serenade her. He knows how to rhyme erection. He is probably using his time there to formulate a handbook on how to successfully make it to the fantasy suite and beyond on Bachelorette. He is a software salesman, no different than Joe Macmillan on my latest binge obsession “Halt and Catch Fire.” I’d imagine theMumbler would also do a dude if it meant Kaitlyn choosing him in the end. He’s no fool and knows the way to K’s heart is to act a fool, not pity one. You know who needs that handbook? Ian. Brotha hath no game and starts to stumble in the ring. He takes himself way too seriously and puts way too much pressure on himself to be perfect a la Khaleesi’s brother, and we all remember how that ended. HE DIES. Sorry, another untimely spoiler. Unfortunately for Ian, Kaitlyn just wants him to be someone other than himself. So instead of saving his uncomfortable mariachi performance with a sorry I’m choking…he just keeps going which is probably the most awkward thing he could do. He probably yelled at himself in a mirror for twenty minutes after his interview. Even Nick Dunne knows how to crack a joke about how much he is bombing. But more on Princet-Ian later. Josh the Welder totally sounds like Kermit, so it only seems appropriate that he has beef with theMumbler aka Miss Piggy later. theMumbler actually says post serenade that he felt like he was glowing which bolsters my Piggy argument. Don’t even get me started on his solo open eyeball kiss to Kaitlyn. So creepy it gives me the shivers or as my hubber’s says, “the chibbers.”

In the group date party, Josh aka Kermit persuades Kaitlyn to cut his hair which ends very badly for him. Is this not the best symbolism for their relationship? It’s almost as if Kaitlyn was under an Ashley S. pomegranate hypnoses with that buzzer. Poor Kermy looked like he was wearing a dunce cap, and the most entertaining portion of the segment was when Joe Dirt sprayed out his drink when he saw the botched job. And then poor Kermy has to go and start talking about not just regular intuition, but MALE intuition in regards to not trusting theMumbler. What’s that? Are females allowed to have it? Enlighten me Kermy. I really just couldn’t take anything he was saying seriously with that ridiculous shearling. He needs to take a lessen out of theMumbler’s handbook: first rule of baching is thou shalt not squeal. I’m sure Kermy knows he doesn’t really have a connection and therefore chance with Kaitlyn, so he falls into that dreaded pit of talking about someone else because he has nothing to contribute about himself. I hate when people do that to me. I don’t care if your hair stylist’s boyfriend’s sister just got a colonoscopy. I just don’t! Kermy is just a one trick welder. Why doesn’t he know that never in the history of Bach have things ended well for the squealer? Smells fishy? Keep it to yourself! Loose noses sink roses? When Kaitlyn confronts the group based on Kermy’s statements that everyone hates the theMumbler, they were like I have a sneaking suspicion Kermy won’t have a long trip home to Idaho, especially after being hung out to dry. theMumbler gets the rose and a bigger ego than he already has. But not as big as Princet-Ian.

But first, K goes on a final one-on-one with Goosling. They have a wild time kayaking the San Antonio river, and Goosling was probably super pumped because he could reenact “The Notebook” and show off his abulars at the same time.He connects with K and gets the final rose. Everything seems a liiiittle too perfect there, and I am tapping into my FEMALE intuition that he will walk out on her like Brooks did to Des. Goosling says, “Byeeee girl.”

Finally, Princet-Ian shows his true orange and black. He is baffled that Kaitlyn doesn’t like him because he’s brilliant, went to Princeton, is successful, DEFIED DEATH, is a model/singer/athlete, and did he mention a Princeton grad? As great as he thinks he looks on paper, paper doesn’t make a connection with another human. (Unless it’s green). Just kidding! Money isn’t everything. Right? And you know what he doesn’t have in his repertoire? Laughter. Making your partner laugh is the single most important thing to a lasting relationship, in my opinion. It’s ok that they don’t click. Not everyone does. But why the need to put her down I will never know. Ego is a tricky bitch, and even though Princet-Ian obviously is not intellectually attracted to her, you know he wants to bang her, is frustrated by that, and so desperately just wants her to want him. But like I said before, dude does not have Derulo game nor the hair follicle real estate.I’m shocked that he felt the need to put K down in order to build himself up. Did that really boost his morale? You know what I value more than his resume? Being a kind human, even to those who aren’t like-minded, and making others feel like a better version of themselves. I’m disgusted that he would be so cruel, especially after surviving such a brutal accident and presumably having a new lease on life. I hope his little temper tantrum prevents him from getting any future poonang because Karma’s a beeetch. I really hope K holds him accountable next week, but only in the most polite, classy way. Poodle out.

Bach Week 4: The Return of the Carpetbagger

Posted on June 9, 2015 by thecheekypoodle

Sometimes as human, we all go off the rails a bit and deviate from our acceptable range of behaviors. For me, that would be eating approximately five chicken tacos – FLOUR tortillas (the horror)- late night, pass out, and wake up next afternoon to discover it was really pork. PORK? I don’t even eat pork! The gluten guilt typically haunts me for the next 24-48 hours until I’m back up and trucking. In Kaitlyn’s case, I’m hoping this last episode was her version of binging on tacos, and she’ll wake up in a week and come to her senses. Unfortunately her pot is starting to bubble over, and girlfriend looked TIRED last night. Her actions are very contradictory: first she does something particularly badass by calling out Lint and sending him home…no “Let’s talk, and you convince me to keep you.” Just boom, you’re gone. But then her behavior later in the episode left me wondering if she’s taking some Canadian supplement that isn’t FDA regulated, and it is making her el pollo (or carnitas?) loco.

But first, let’s revisit Lint’s passionate exit. Nick Dunne and Lint exchange heated words and stand so close their dodis had to have been touching. I’m sure it was just one sweaty, bourbony, indented foreheady mess. I was definitely getting a “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” vibe when they try to kill each other in the house and then end up humping. For a second, I thought this could happen:But then nooo I remembered that this show only pokes fun at homosexuality and prefers to stick its head in the sand rather than actually address societal issues and or how to enact change. How is Bach on the same network as Shonda Rhimes’ gender bending shows? Does ABC just think the two even themselves out? Or that since the latter is fiction, it makes it ok? How GREAT would it be to have a gay or lesbian contestant on the Bach? Or better yet, Shonda! Is she single? Wikipedia results: inconclusive.

My reaction to no rose ceremony was exactly like the group’s sans Nick Dunne. NOOOOO Whhhyyy??? Give the people what they want! Then the gang heads to NYC. We probably have Chris the Farmer to thank for these big city lights because there was a surplus in the travel budget since the majority of his season was filmed in corn fields with the country folk.

Doug E Fresh is the celeb guest on Kaitlyn’s first group date with Nick Dunne, Justin, Cato, Goosling, Jonathan, Cory, Ryan, and Tanner and teaches the guys how to rap battle. FINALLY a battle with words instead of fists! Unfortunately this proved difficult for the men. I am reminded that Kaitlyn has more swagger in her pinky finger than the group in its entirety. She’s like

and the group walks into battle like:Kaitlyn should just start dating Doug E immediately. Side note, what is up with the contestants of past seasons being treated like they are psuedo celebs in a roped off VIP area? They should be thrown down a dark alley or something worse…Bach in Paradise? That’s where I’d want to spend my night out in NYC: watching a loaf of white bread struggle through delivering digs at each other. Grammar school level poetry recital at best. Justin wins the rose for just showing up, I think. wah wah. Can we get Amy Schumer to reprise her role?

I groaned when Kaitlyn meets Nick theMumbler. Nick, you aren’t cute! Get that cup of ice out of your mouth along with all those marbles! And this is where Kaitlyn starts to implode. She acts like a giggly lil school girl around him. What happened to your swagger, K? WHY oh WHY would you ever be interested in this carpetbagger? Andi dumped his ass post coitus. HE’S OBVIOUSLY SHIT IN BED! My friends and I joked a few seasons ago that he probably started sobbing after copulating and freaked Andi out so hard she had to go with option #2. Watching Kaitlyn and theMumbler kiss instilled a bit of rage in me because it forced me to recognize that I was putting Kaitlyn on a pedestal when she probably doesn’t even deserve a tree stump. There, I said it. I’m disappointed in her which is way worse than being mad, right Mom? I had higher expectations for her. I believe her decision to let theMumbler into the group is the ol adage about greener pastures. This is why someone like Kaitlyn, or the other 97% who go on this show, will probably never get married: no matter how delightful a man is that is right in front of her, she will always think that there is someone out there in the universe who is better suited for her. It’s narcissism at its finest. That’s why hot chicks in their 30s marry old dudes: because they passed on the age appropriate guys while in their 20s. Too much of this episode was spent deliberating over theMumbler which annoyed me further.

One standout of the episode was that ABC brought back BOTH crazy Ashleys from last season! I cannot believe Kaitlyn was talked into letting Ashley S. “do” her hair and “give” her advice. The whole time I was holding my breath and saying, “Put the hot curling iron down, put the hot curling iron down.” Those are dangerous even when you are trying your hardest not to burn yourself! At least she did not have scissors and cut a bitch! Why couldn’t ABC have arranged for Ashley and theMumbler to go paint-balling? Now that would have made for some scintillating TV.

The ~~rest~~ whole of the episode was pretty meh. Radical that Kaitlyn and Ethan Squawk got to have a private date in the Met. What happened to the reality of dealing with a bunch of hot, sweaty, hot dog smelling B.O. foreigners pushing their way through to the most famous pieces? I actually like the Squawker and think he has a pretty decent sense of humor in front of the camera. He receives a well-deserved rose.

In the final group date, I actually felt for the poor chaps (Cupcake, Ian, Josh the Welder, Ben. H., and Joe Dirt) who had to audition for Aladdin The Musical and couldn’t spend time with Kaitlyn once cut. In the end, overzealous Cupcake takes the… cake, and I sense that Kaitlyn is slightly disappointed. Cupcake tries waaay too hard which just borders desperate which is one of the biggest TURN OFFS for girls, unless you are one of the two crazy Ashelys. They probably LOVE a good stage five clinger. Anyways, the two just don’t have genuine chemistry, and although Cupcake received a rose, I think he’ll be back to drilling…teeth fairly soon.

Episode concludes with an awkward elevator ride for theMumbler to meet the rest of the desesperados. OH!!! And how could I forget? THANK GOD we have an update on Britt and her BOYFRIEND Brady! Cool story Katie Holmes!

Hopefully we get a rose ceremony next week and the old Kaitlyn back.

Bachelorette Week 3: A Tryst of Two D-Bags

Posted on June 3, 2015 by thecheekypoodle

Last night’s episode of Bachelorette was kind of like taking a NyQuil and then fighting to stay awake and finish an old episode of Friends on Netflix. You know what happens but don’t want to miss out on a quick and easy laugh. Mloo (aka my mom) will kill me for posting the photo above, but really it is my Uncle Rick’s fault for snapping it. The classic sit and sleep while still grasping tightly to a bag of Cape Cod potato chips really does take a tremendous level of dexterity. Actually, cradling complex carbs seems to be a theme in this family. Just the other week, I feel asleep snuggling a tin of sweet potato fries. Thankfully my husband was feeling charitable and decided against photographic evidence. Just like my dad falls asleep holding the remote and says he’s still watching if you dare take it from him, I’m pretty sure my mom woke up and said, “Don’t take these chips…I’m still eating them.” And I wonder why I’ll never have enviable abs. sigh.

You know who does have enviable abs? Kaitlyn. So this week’s episode picks up where we left off with Mr. Kupah’s guttural lion roaring.

Intuitively I know he must be wasted, but did anyone else think he is the most sober looking shmammered guy ever? Where are his bleary eyes, slight swagger, and slur? I feel like the only dead give away was that he brought his drink into the car with him. We’ve all been there before, I suppose, where you reeeeallly don’t need that last drink at 2 am before your uber home but just can’t imagine the rest of your night without it. My husband once asked for a to-go container at a club to bring a half-drunk bottle of vod out that wasn’t even ours. Great idea until I fell in a bush and dumped it everywhere.

IS THE VODKA OK???

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn eliminates Cory and Daniel, who my husband said both looked like they could have been legitimate friends of his. Dream big, Jojo. The first group date entails Lint, Cupcake, Tony The Healer, Nick Dunne, Joe Dirt and Shawn, who I will here on out be calling Goosling because he’s a slightly uglier duck version of Ryan Gosling, learning to Sumo Wrestle. I love that Nick Dunne claims to be so smart yet when discussing his fondness of Japanese culture, the only thing that comes to mind is that he loves sushi. He might as well have said, “I’m a Francophile. I love french fries.” What I found more shocking than the Mawashi they all had to wear was how aggressive Nick Dunne’s tattoo and bacne are. Dunne’s tat looks like a custom Ed Hardy with John Gosling as his muse: I have to wonder if tattoos are a requirement of the show, at the request of Kaitlyn, or are inevitable because the only people trying to get cast on this show are the type of people that tat themselves out. Or are tattoos really that prevalent in society and I just live in a Johnson & Johnson commercial? hmmm.

The only other glaring event from the Sumo date is that Joe Dirt’s nut hangs out the entire time. Was this his attempt at peacocking Kaitlyn? I mean, there’s nothing I find more attractive than a hot, sweaty, smashed, singularly exposed nut. Sign me up!

And then the petulant child that is Tony the Healer has a mini meltdown that I find mildly amusing given the irony of the circumstances. He talks a big game before he gets in the ring to fight a CHAMPION sumo wrestler saying things like, “I would be absolutely f*cking terrified if I were this other guy right now.” Is Tony the Healer really this delusional? Well, yes. ABC, where do you find these quacks? Then, when it comes to fighting, Tony goes down like a desperate girl on prom night and then cries about it because he claims he hates violence! You obviously don’t hate violence, Tony, but you do hate looking like weak toast. I have to equate this to a child winning Monopoly until he lands on Boardwalk with hotels and loses all his money. Probably throws a tantrum and yells at his parents, “I hate this game why did you make me play?!!” Anyways, I burst into laughter when he recommended a date to the LA Zoo. ABC execs were probably scrambling to set that up. “Yes, genius…why didn’t we think of that…the ZOO!”The other Tony part where I squealed was when he talks to Kaitlyn about how peaceful he is and then hawks a giant loogie off the second story balcony. I imagine that loogie probably killing a bird. Just saying.

Then the gang, sans Tony the Healer, goes head to head again (yawn) at Universal City Walk, and Lint shows his true colors by turning this fun Sumo exhibition into NCAA wrestling championships. He really wasn’t in douche remission that long…I’m surprised. I thought he wouldn’t be diagnosed a full jackal until mid-season. But more on that later. Back at the ranch, Tony packs a bajillion bags- how many pairs of lululemon yoga shorts did this guy bring- and decides to leave. Yawn. The group heads to beautiful Westlake Village, and Lint’s strategy is to play coy. I have to say mad props to Kaitlyn for not feeding into that. Call me old fashioned, but girls on average make it way too easy for guys to “court” them these days. And by “court” I mean ignore and then maybe send a text at 1 am asking what’s up and then the girl comes over. NOT OK. My now husband had to try for about a month before we went on a date, and eight years later it’s going preettty preetty good ;). Goosling wins the first group rose. Geeze this episode is boring. Chris Harrison then sets Kaitlyn up to go on a one-on-one date with Cato in this doomsday scenario masqueraded as The Basement: “A Live Escape Room Experience.” If I were Kaitlyn, I would voluntarily soil myself before doing this. In high school, I couldn’t even go through one of the mazes at Knott’s Scary Farm without wedging myself in between two giant Latino strangers. Nothing sets the mood for a romantic date where they have to kiss more than pigeons, snakes, and bugs – well done ABC! And, unfortunately the aforementioned vermin made this segment pretty unwatchable for me. Pigeons are flying rats (so I side with Kaitlyn on that), and I don’t fully understand the allure of posing with them all over your body like people do in St. Mark’s Square. Additionally, anyone who knows me is aware that some otherworldly spirit overcomes my body when in the presence of insects. Just to give an example, in third grade, a mosquito was flying at me in the car, and I threw my McDonald’s hamburger at it which unfortunately flew out the window- the burger, not the bug. Then I cried, but at least I don’t have diabetes.

Cato plays the strong fearless role well, but I feel most guys do when they are trying to impress a girl. My husband tried really hard in the first few years to placate my absurd and unfounded bug phobia, defend my friends and me from creepy people, scour the house if I thought I heard an intruder, etc. But then one fateful 4th of July a few years in, someone lit a firework and handed it to my husband. The firework then started to lose its mind and explode in a fiery, roaring fashion (no different than Mr. Kupah), and my husband freaked and let go right in the direction of my mom and me. Thanks, hubbers, for throwing a firework at me. I tell him he singed my butt which is true. He still denies to this day. Anyways, this is how I imagine Cato will be five years in. Throwing fireworks. But for the time being, his game is on point. After the panic room, Cato gets some hot tub action, which seems like a horrible idea considering how sweaty he was while talking at Kaitlyn’s house. Hurry, Cato’s feverish, let’s get him into scalding water! Overall, Cato is pretty likable and deservedly gets rose number two.

The final group date entails Ethan Squawk, Tanner, Jonathan, Joshua, Ben H., and Ryan teaching a bunch of child actors about sex education. This segment was mildly humorous, and all the guys did pretty well. Ben H. was a standout, and got the last rose. I think at this point, Kaitlyn has probably kissed everyone except Joshua The Welder who didn’t have his first kiss until COLLEGE. The horror!

In the meantime, Nick Dunne’s and Lint’s bromance unfolds (they both like turtles!) which reminds me of everything I hate in the world and makes me want to rethink my affinity towards turtles. Even though they look like they could both be well into their forties and maybe have a morsel of maturity, I have to remember that Lint is 27 and Nick Dunne is 32, and they are immature boys. Their level of ego has somehow snowballed due to their combined powers: I knew I didn’t like Lint from last week, and his actions in this episode obviously solidified it for me. I am shocked yet relieved they discuss popping Nick Dunne’s bacne after its offensive cameo during sumo wrestling. Also, for the second time in the episode, a nut makes an appearance, in the form of one Nick Dunne- did anyone else catch that?

Is he taking a play out of Joe Dirt’s book to seduce Lint? Have nuts become desirable? Is this like a girl equivalent of showing butt cheek? Despite my insensitive reference to Ambiguously Gay Duo which I feel aptly describes them, I just think they take this bromance “joke” way too far. Really insensitive. Not cool.

Pre-rose ceremony Lint uses his power socks to seduce Kaitlyn. Unlike past seasons, Kaitlyn doesn’t get mad at the other guys for making her aware of Lint and Nick Dunne’s villainous antics and say, “Well he is great to me, so you must be insane.” Instead, it looks like she’s going to continue to kick ass and take names. But WHY ABC…WHY another TBC? Please just give us what we want. A linear old fashioned rose ceremony at the end of each episode! Looks like Kaitlyn is going to flick off the Lint and some semblance of Bach order will be restored. TBC.